A List of Things I Don’t Care About:
1.The famous wines you’ve had. If I was impressed by name dropping, do you think I would be working in a wine store in a strip mall in the suburbs?
2. The Puligny-Montrachet you had in 1977. Congratulations, Alan, you had some probably-mediocre white Burgundy in a tourist trap restaurant in Beaune on your honeymoon and you wanted to bask in the glow of vacation sex memories for a second. Today people in their 20s and 30s are buried under student loan debt and skyrocketing housing prices and have to drink, like, Sauvignon Blanc from Bulgaria because that’s all we can afford. Not to mention the fact that the environment is fucked, causing Burgundy producers are regularly lose half their crop or more to hail or late season frost. I’m glad you got some while the getting was good, but I really need to pee so let’s move on to what you’re actually looking for today.
3. Your sulfite allergy. I am 99.99% certain you are not one of the small group of people who has a sulfite sensitivity, but I’m glad it makes you feel special. I hope talking about it to a lady at a wine store gave you the emotional payoff you were looking for.
4. The vacation you took to Tuscany approximately 5 years before or after retirement, it’s usually one of the two. Oh my god, you got a little drunk on Vernaccia while on a tour of Italy. What a fucking pioneer! No, I haven’t been there yet, but I feel like I have because every third person wants to give me a day by day account of their trip there. I don’t think I need to now. The wines were just wonderful! No, being on vacation is wonderful. I’m pretty sure that most of the wines you had, from a professional perspective, were just OK.
5. Any article from the Wall Street Journal about wine that you’ve clipped out. I know this is mean, and no disrespect to the WSJ or Lettie Teague, but if you’ve clipped something out of the newspaper and put it in your fanny pack to give to me, I’m just going to be honest. I probably won’t read it. I’m sorry.